Death of an Abusive Parent

Life has recently hit me hard. It’s thrown 2 deaths my way. Death of my abusive parents. And the aftermath, has left me feeling as if I’ve been swept up by a tornado…twice, then spat out.

I hate funerals. My family practices old-school open-casket wake and burial type funerals. So I don’t attend them.  As an Empath, it’s the worst experience being subjected to and surrounded by so much grief and sadness. After my mom died, it took me MONTHS to shake off all that depressing energy from her funeral.   But being that these were my parents, and I’m their only child, I had to plan and attend both funerals. Those experiences zapped the essence out of my being.

While I’m taking time away from everything to get my bearings, I’m finding that I’m experiencing a variety on “non-traditional” feelings. During the wake and funeral (which was beyond exhausting) I was surrounded by people who were grieving for different reasons than my own. They were grieving the loss of their sibling, cousin, and friend… grieving the loss of future moments and experiences with each of my parents. But everyone had pleasant memories to hold on to. I on the other hand, did not only lack pleasant memories to hold onto, I barely had any memories at all because of the lack of relationship between my parents and I.

I have so many unresolved feelings and having to deal with the finality that I will never get the love, nurture, and attention I desperately needed from my parents throughout my life. I feel robbed of that. I was never cherished. And those feelings continue to linger in my subconscious, constantly causing me to readjust how hard I am on myself, and how worthy I am.  I work myself to the bone, giving so much of myself, in search of that approval from others.

This is such an incredibly difficult space to be in…I’m honoring my feelings, and hibernating to allow myself to feel, process, rest and release… but it’s awful.

Sadly,

NamaStella

Inner Strength

It’s been a while since my last post. Life in the real world has been pretty eventful.  I lost a family member and have been grieving.  The whole process has aged me.  This individual refused pain medication during their last week of Life, and chose to transition in unimaginable pain…This experience also brought up feelings of hopelessness.  See, the person who passed away took a family secret to the grave.  And what’s worse, the secret was about me…  And so I’ve been working on developing Inner Strength to deal with this.  Learning to understand what this experience was teaching me.

Interestingly, relationships with close family members have changed. Not because these individuals have done something that “broke the camels back”, but because I grew tired of experiencing let downs and heartbreaks. So this Inner Strength has been growing because I’ve made this choice to let these individuals out of my life.  I was raised to respect and be obligated to family, so this decision was a pretty big deal.  It was difficult for me because I felt very guilty for making this decision.  But this Inner Strength has taught me that I can live a life without pain (rather minimal pain), and that I have a right to only include individuals who genuinely care about me, enjoy my company, and who Love me just for being me.  The family I was raised in taught me that I can only be Loved if I do for others, and always put others needs before my own.  I got so stuck in my family assigned role.  It wasn’t until the discord just finally resonated so negatively in me, did I realize that I had a CHOICE to no longer participate in the dysfunctional relationships. 

My Inner Strength has also shown me that I can stop people-pleasing, that I do not have to try to help everyone, and that I can allow myself to just Be.  The experience of death and grief has shown me that I am only responsible for my own feelings and well being. And so while I enjoy helping and healing others, I no longer have to allow that to swallow me alive.  My brain literally got so tired of putting my needs aside…it got into survival mode and wouldn’t even let me to worry about other people or situations that I should “fix” for others.  While I know my life purpose is to help others, my PRIMARY life’s purpose is to take care of and be responsible for myself.  Lots of self-reflection (and therapy) has led me to the realization that my inner child was still in control, driving a lot of my experiences and NEED to please.  Like, this need was tied into my subconscious feelings of survival. Like that anxiety of I HAVE to help others, all the time, otherwise I’m worthless in life…

And so I wanted to share with you about my Inner Strength. Sometimes it takes incredibly awful or uncomfortable situations to signal that it’s time to make a change. And the “work” that comes with developing Inner Strength is quite interesting because it involves, literally being still…and present…and okay as all those uncomfortable decisions playout…breathing through the responses from family members … and exhaling fear of the unknown new territory of Life I’m moving towards.

If you’re experiencing the same, I’m sending you much Inner Strength.

NamaStella

Books to Progress You Out of Depression to Clarity

Beautiful manifestations and experiences have been happening! I’ve been working on projects and meaning to share them (and I will!!). But I first wanted to share some of the books in my library that have significantly helped me change my perspective on life!

8 years ago I was in a very depressed mental space! From an outside person’s perspective, it appeared as though I was in a happy marriage, and I was working a fulfilling profession helping others. I didn’t realize how depressed I was at the time, I just thought I was an introvert.   I just thought I felt other people’s emotions to easily, preferred to be alone, so I was a homebody outside of work. I had (still have) great friends and would occasionally hang out with them and really have a great time, but it would take me DAYS to recover – I needed to be alone and hibernate.  When someone would “hurt me”, however insignificant the experience (e.g. disagreement with my husband, or feeling that someone at the store looked or talked to me the “wrong way”), I’d be in a funk for days! Not able to move on, just wondering and playing out every possible scenario of how I could have responded differently or wondering why that experience happened “to me”. I believed that I was a kind person, but that people always turned out to just be so cruel!

Over the course of several years, I was able to finally get to THIS point of clarity, where I’m living now. I now understand and continue to consciously remind myself, that experiences in my life aren’t “happening to me” but rather manifesting into my experience because I have attracted them.  EVERY experience happens because it’s either a desire of mine or an experience that will help me learn and be in a better energetic space to receive my heart’s desire. I wanted to share the books (in the order in which they came into my life) that helped me get to this space:)

I don’t remember how I got my hands on this book (I feel like back then my life was just a gray cloud), but it was by Lucinda Bassett and it’s called From Panic to Power; Proven Techniques to Calm Your Anxieties, Conquer Your Fears, and Put You in Control of Your Life.  This book captured my daily life! About thinking that EVERYONE was watching and judging me, and how this would make me scared and anxious every time I would go anywhere.  I didn’t realize it was fear and anxiety, so this was a great start to explaining what was happening to me, feeling that I was not alone, and using techniques to practice getting my mind to figure out how to stop all the negative self talk.  After reading, re-reading, highlighting and practicing the techniques in her book, I felt much less fear. It wasn’t all gone, but I atleast felt human again!

Shortly after, the movie “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne came out and my husband and I watched it, and our minds were BLOWN! That movie was such a mind shift, we kept talking about it for days after, and would “try” using the Law of Attraction on and off. This helped understanding that I had some sort of ownership over my life! It was somewhat empowering (and scary because I kept thinking about what to do about my negative thoughts!) I have re-watched the movie 4 times over the past couple of years, and  REALIZE something that I hadn’t been ready to understand the previous times!! So fascinating!  The Secret’s website has so many wonderful and inspiring resources including forums to read and share manifestation stories with others, and quick clips you can watch to remind you that you can always change your thoughts no matter how bad you think your situation is. I’ve bookmarked and like to frequently watch The Secret to You and The Secret to Riches.

This next book was REALLY  relevant, crucial, and cathartic for me. I felt that I had a grasp of the Law of Attraction, was manifesting great things, but still felt I was experiencing racial inequalities and did not know how to address/respond to those situations through the lense of being an energetic being attracting experiences. I didn’t want to attract those experiences, so I didn’t know what to do!  How could I address an issue that was prevalent in so many societies, and wasn’ t just a personal experience.  I wish I could remember how I came across this book, but the Universe directed it into my life. And I was so thankful to read it! I was scared that it would be to emotionally heavy, and just reiterating how disgusting slavery was. But instead, it gave my feelings legitimacy as a human.  The author captured so well the racial inequalities in American society, why and how they present themselves in current culture, and how we (all races) can reframe our thinking so we can truly build an inclusive American Society. So this book was relevant to process and release racial inequalities from my logical/ego perspective. It’s called Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome by Dr. Joy DeGruy.  After reading this, I truly felt I was no longer obligated to attract those experiences into my life, and I haven’t!

Later on, during a conversation with one of my good friends, she recommended I read “Soul Lessons and Soul Purpose”  and “Trust your Vibes” by Sonia Choquette. At the time, I felt that I wanted to tap more into my intuitive side. I was experiencing a lot of coincidences and felt the Universe was sending messages that I wasn’t understanding. The book solidified the idea that there truly is something outside of myself at play, that the Universe is always sending messages and signals, and how to pay attention to them on a day to day basis. The author does a beautiful job of teaching you to make time and space for yourself. As a Giver and mom, that was such a foreign concept to me. Life was so busy, it was great to read practical techniques like starting by taking 1 minute a day for myself! I didn’t even realize I never made time for myself.  Now I give myself hours a day!

This next book was the most profound for me. This one helped my logical mind and spiritual mind to KNOW that I was powerful and could create a life filled with whatever I wanted and desired! This author was saying you could heal ANY ailment, mental or body disease (e.g. CANCER), WITH THE POWER OF YOUR MIND!!  It’s called “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay.  What I also found interesting is that this author is in her 80’s, in fantastic health, wrote this book in the 70s AND THE INFORMATION IS STILL RELEVANT AND VALID!! I won’t ruin her story, but you should definitely read this book!

 

 

I hope you are able to or have read these books. I’d love to hear your thoughts and how these books have made an impression on your life! I’ve read others, but I continue to revisit the messages from these books.

Peace and Much Love,

NamaStella

 

 

 

Winning the Lottery, Raising Young Kids, and Spouses Who don’t Believe in LOA

This weekend, I attended my first Abraham Hicks Workshop, and it was ABSOLUTELY EXHILARATING!  Esther and Abraham’s messages have really resonated with me, and I came across them about 1 year ago when I was looking for a solution to constantly picking up other people’s energy, which made me so tired by the end of the day.  (I’ll write more about that in another post 🙂 )

I was prepared to ask 3 questions. 

1. How do I manifest a lottery win (yes this is one of my manifestations), when I’m able to visualize and FEEL everything from chosing a financial advisor, opening up banks accounts, investing in philanthropy programs, to walking into the lottery office, to taking a picture with the check, but lose faith whenever I don’t have the winning ticket?
2. How do I stay aligned as a parent with 2 young children?
3. How to I share my wonderful experiences when my spouse does not acknowledge the Law of Attraction (even though he is a great, unconscious, manifester)?

The room was packed, and there were 1,500 people!! The energy was fun, light, filled with really good vibes! At the beginning of the workshop, Esther explained that if you have a question, even if you are not picked, Abraham will select someone who will have a question that most people in the room have. I didn’t raise my hand. And all 3 of my questions were answered, and then some!

Answer to question 1:

This all boils down to frequently asking from a place of not having the money. By regularly practicing being in alignment with your Higher Self, Source, Infinite Energy, God, just for the pleasure of being in alignment, throughout the day, ALLOWS you to FEEL larger than life and filled with abundance. You can do this by setting aside 5 – 15 mins a day of quiet time, meditation, or just breathing. (I personally enjoy playing in my head all the people, experiences, and things I am grateful for in my life. I occasionally listen to Chakra Suite by Steven Halpern at night. Do whatever it is that quiets your mind.)When you are comfortably able to be in this space, and it takes practice, then you emotionally FOCUS into the experience of you having the abundance of money. When you are aligned with your Higher Self, that’s your TRUE state of being, you’re secure, have EVERYTHING at your disposal, so you just have to chose how you’d like to see it expressed in your physical manifestation. This is where you have confidence and hold firm, CONSISTENT knowing, that will persist no matter what the  physical world presents, until the matching experience makes its way to you.  It’s from this space you ask for your desires, e.g. “It WILL be fun when I get my raise” or “It WILL be fun to meet a project manager who can help me”, etc. (This is where I would slow down the speed of manifestation, I would always “check” if I won the money, and get upset when I saw a “losing” ticket.)  Another way that surprisingly made a lot of sense to my logical mind, was an article I read by Bashar, where he states that there are soooooo many parallel realities for us that already exist, it’s just a matter of chosing which reality/experience we want to make more visible/tangible.  This comforted me to know, that all the possibility of experiences I’ve ever thought up, already exist, and all I have to do is focus on them, like focusing a camera lense to see a clear picture. With that said, I immediately felt that winning that lottery was a done deal, and all I have to do is purchase a ticket when the value reaches the number I’ve been requesting. Just like placing an order on Amazon and KNOWING that the item will come.  

Answer to question 2:  Only talk to your children when you’re in alignment. If you have a child who’s “strong willed”, or even gets aggressive, the best thing to do is see your child through the eyes of your Higher Self, and shower him/her with love. Whatever feelings your child stirs in you, it’s YOUR responsibility to address, not your child’s.  Abraham said practice when your child is sleeping, to remember how beautiful and how loving your child is, how beautiful his/her birth was, and enjoy how loving and peaceful your child is. It is from this space, you meditate in the morning that you will enjoy wonderful experiences with your child and that even when tantrums, meltdowns arise, there will be less, they will be manageable, but you will look at those moments with patience. If there’s a power struggle, at that moment is that argument that serious? Shrug your shoulders and let it go. He also said your Higher Self sees EVERYONE as an expression of Infinite Energy.  Kids teach us that sometimes we care more about the judgments of societal norms rather than just allowing him/her to just BE.

Answer to question 3:It’s not your concern what others are doing, including your family members, just focus on your vortex and your alignment. They will just enjoy the ride of wonderful manifestations!  So what if they understand the LOA or not. Your purpose on earth is to enjoy this playground of energy, co-create, manifest to your hearts desire and expand!  In your creating desires, you are expanding Infinite Energy 🙂

Have a great week!

Namaste 🙂