Life has recently hit me hard. It’s thrown 2 deaths my way. Death of my abusive parents. And the aftermath, has left me feeling as if I’ve been swept up by a tornado…twice, then spat out.
I hate funerals. My family practices old-school open-casket wake and burial type funerals. So I don’t attend them. As an Empath, it’s the worst experience being subjected to and surrounded by so much grief and sadness. After my mom died, it took me MONTHS to shake off all that depressing energy from her funeral. But being that these were my parents, and I’m their only child, I had to plan and attend both funerals. Those experiences zapped the essence out of my being.
While I’m taking time away from everything to get my bearings, I’m finding that I’m experiencing a variety on “non-traditional” feelings. During the wake and funeral (which was beyond exhausting) I was surrounded by people who were grieving for different reasons than my own. They were grieving the loss of their sibling, cousin, and friend… grieving the loss of future moments and experiences with each of my parents. But everyone had pleasant memories to hold on to. I on the other hand, did not only lack pleasant memories to hold onto, I barely had any memories at all because of the lack of relationship between my parents and I.
I have so many unresolved feelings and having to deal with the finality that I will never get the love, nurture, and attention I desperately needed from my parents throughout my life. I feel robbed of that. I was never cherished. And those feelings continue to linger in my subconscious, constantly causing me to readjust how hard I am on myself, and how worthy I am. I work myself to the bone, giving so much of myself, in search of that approval from others.
This is such an incredibly difficult space to be in…I’m honoring my feelings, and hibernating to allow myself to feel, process, rest and release… but it’s awful.
Sadly,
NamaStella
NamaStella the Empath 