Death of an Abusive Parent

Life has recently hit me hard. It’s thrown 2 deaths my way. Death of my abusive parents. And the aftermath, has left me feeling as if I’ve been swept up by a tornado…twice, then spat out.

I hate funerals. My family practices old-school open-casket wake and burial type funerals. So I don’t attend them.  As an Empath, it’s the worst experience being subjected to and surrounded by so much grief and sadness. After my mom died, it took me MONTHS to shake off all that depressing energy from her funeral.   But being that these were my parents, and I’m their only child, I had to plan and attend both funerals. Those experiences zapped the essence out of my being.

While I’m taking time away from everything to get my bearings, I’m finding that I’m experiencing a variety on “non-traditional” feelings. During the wake and funeral (which was beyond exhausting) I was surrounded by people who were grieving for different reasons than my own. They were grieving the loss of their sibling, cousin, and friend… grieving the loss of future moments and experiences with each of my parents. But everyone had pleasant memories to hold on to. I on the other hand, did not only lack pleasant memories to hold onto, I barely had any memories at all because of the lack of relationship between my parents and I.

I have so many unresolved feelings and having to deal with the finality that I will never get the love, nurture, and attention I desperately needed from my parents throughout my life. I feel robbed of that. I was never cherished. And those feelings continue to linger in my subconscious, constantly causing me to readjust how hard I am on myself, and how worthy I am.  I work myself to the bone, giving so much of myself, in search of that approval from others.

This is such an incredibly difficult space to be in…I’m honoring my feelings, and hibernating to allow myself to feel, process, rest and release… but it’s awful.

Sadly,

NamaStella

Inner Strength

It’s been a while since my last post. Life in the real world has been pretty eventful.  I lost a family member and have been grieving.  The whole process has aged me.  This individual refused pain medication during their last week of Life, and chose to transition in unimaginable pain…This experience also brought up feelings of hopelessness.  See, the person who passed away took a family secret to the grave.  And what’s worse, the secret was about me…  And so I’ve been working on developing Inner Strength to deal with this.  Learning to understand what this experience was teaching me.

Interestingly, relationships with close family members have changed. Not because these individuals have done something that “broke the camels back”, but because I grew tired of experiencing let downs and heartbreaks. So this Inner Strength has been growing because I’ve made this choice to let these individuals out of my life.  I was raised to respect and be obligated to family, so this decision was a pretty big deal.  It was difficult for me because I felt very guilty for making this decision.  But this Inner Strength has taught me that I can live a life without pain (rather minimal pain), and that I have a right to only include individuals who genuinely care about me, enjoy my company, and who Love me just for being me.  The family I was raised in taught me that I can only be Loved if I do for others, and always put others needs before my own.  I got so stuck in my family assigned role.  It wasn’t until the discord just finally resonated so negatively in me, did I realize that I had a CHOICE to no longer participate in the dysfunctional relationships. 

My Inner Strength has also shown me that I can stop people-pleasing, that I do not have to try to help everyone, and that I can allow myself to just Be.  The experience of death and grief has shown me that I am only responsible for my own feelings and well being. And so while I enjoy helping and healing others, I no longer have to allow that to swallow me alive.  My brain literally got so tired of putting my needs aside…it got into survival mode and wouldn’t even let me to worry about other people or situations that I should “fix” for others.  While I know my life purpose is to help others, my PRIMARY life’s purpose is to take care of and be responsible for myself.  Lots of self-reflection (and therapy) has led me to the realization that my inner child was still in control, driving a lot of my experiences and NEED to please.  Like, this need was tied into my subconscious feelings of survival. Like that anxiety of I HAVE to help others, all the time, otherwise I’m worthless in life…

And so I wanted to share with you about my Inner Strength. Sometimes it takes incredibly awful or uncomfortable situations to signal that it’s time to make a change. And the “work” that comes with developing Inner Strength is quite interesting because it involves, literally being still…and present…and okay as all those uncomfortable decisions playout…breathing through the responses from family members … and exhaling fear of the unknown new territory of Life I’m moving towards.

If you’re experiencing the same, I’m sending you much Inner Strength.

NamaStella